I have had a lot of deep thoughts this year. Not the least of which has been my own mortality. Turning 40 has forced me to realize I am halfway to 80(if I am lucky). That is a sobering thought. I now wonder if the headache I get every so often is actually a brain tumor, if my misplacing of the keys is early onset altzheimers, if that white paint in my hair is a grey hair(that's a joke, I don't paint).Part of my increased worrying is the fact that I lost my mother at 60. If I am on her time line I have only 20 years left...
Twenty years??? I clearly remember 20 years ago.. so I know that it flies by. I have many things I would like to do and see and partake in while I am still fairly young. I'm sure my mother did as well, but sickness ripped most of those opportunities away from her . I look at pictures of my mother at 40 , I was like 14. That's how old my son is now. She seemed older, less fun and less active than I am. Or is that how a 14 year old girl perceived her? Is that how my children perceive me? Did she feel 24 in her mind? Because I do. I look in the mirror and cannot believe I am 40. I mean I CAN see that I am , but in my head I feel like I just got out of college with years of life ahead of me. fact of the matter is folks, I do not. Her dying early has opened my eyes to the fact that it can happen, and I need to be okay with my life and what I want to do before the hypothetical sun sets on me.
So what do I want to do? I want to be known by my children as a person, as well as their mother. I want them to know I went through most of what they will go through, and I want to help them through it. I want to see all 3 walk across the stage with honors robes on, and grab their diplomas and grab all that life has to offer. I want to see my husband be relaxed and not worry about working at a job he doesn't like . I want to buy a condominium on the beach and watch the waves come in and go out everyday, and appreciate actually LIVING in Florida. I want money enough to do all these things but I don't want trying to make it consuming my life. I want to be happy is I guess what I am getting at. The happiness that comes with contentment , of a life lived fully. Not a life lived just plugging through the day to day..likemost of us.
But there are no guarantees. My mother probably had a list like the one I just made, but no one knew about it. She just spent the last 10 years of her life plugging away too, but she was plugging for SURVIVAL. That is what keeps me appreciative of what I do have right now, at 40 in the body,24 in the mind:) the fact that she was reduced to wanting only one thing..life. And I have that. And that has to be enough for now... I have the health and strength at the moment to begin working on my aforemention list ..not to mention the motivation.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Ten Years Later
Ten years ago I was of the innocent mindset that terrorism was something that happened in "other" places. Places like the middle east, that had been fighting since the dawn of time, over religions, power, land. I really never thought it could affect me, here in suburban Florida, in the "untouchable" USA.
September 11, 2001 started out like all my days at that time. Chasing a 4 year old and raising a 10 month old. In fact we were getting ready to leave for a Mom's Club event at the local aquarium , when my husband called to me from the next room to come see the news. I looked at the TV in disbelief, I mean how did the pilot not see the twin towers? Did he have a stroke or something? Still innocent. When the next plane hit a few minutes later. live on TV, I realized this wasn't pilot error. this was a planned event.
My life, as I am sure all of your lives, has never been the same. Trust went right out the window. For many months I couldn't look at an airplane without wondering if it was actually SUPPOSED to be in that airspace at that time. I didn't want to travel, hell I didnt want to leave my neighborhood. I really kept my children close to me, and felt grateful for everyday I had been given. I couldn't get images out of my mind of those people jumping off of those burning buildings, the buildings that were in the background of my entire childhood. No more would they greet me when I visited my hometown, now the only thing there is an empty area reminding evryone what once stood there and the lives that were lost .Lost for no reason. Nobody goes to work expecting it will be the last time they kiss their families goodbye, but on that day that is exactly what happened to thousands of people. For many years now, I take that into consideration.This could be my last day, not because of an accident. But because of an act of terrorism. there is a sense of trust that will never return to me, it was slowly ripped from my core as I sat watching those unfathomable, unspeakable acts that occured that day.
ten years later, I know most of us don't dwell on the events of 9/11 anymore. Really, for our own mental health we CAN'T .we have to go on, we have to travel, and live our lives . but we will never live our lives with the same sense of security again. We will never feel America is in a terrorism cocoon,immune to those acts that know no bounds. we know it happened once, it could happen again. We just have to stay alert, be vigilant in our nations security and praying doesn't hurt either.
so this sunday, the 10th anniversary of the worst day in the history of our country, I will be remembering. Remembering those people , the ones in the aircraft with no way out, the ones who rushed into buildings that would crumble upon them, the ones who willing took their plane down to save the lives of others and I will cry. Just like I did 10 years ago. Media bombardment or not, that day will never be erased from any of our minds...
September 11, 2001 started out like all my days at that time. Chasing a 4 year old and raising a 10 month old. In fact we were getting ready to leave for a Mom's Club event at the local aquarium , when my husband called to me from the next room to come see the news. I looked at the TV in disbelief, I mean how did the pilot not see the twin towers? Did he have a stroke or something? Still innocent. When the next plane hit a few minutes later. live on TV, I realized this wasn't pilot error. this was a planned event.
My life, as I am sure all of your lives, has never been the same. Trust went right out the window. For many months I couldn't look at an airplane without wondering if it was actually SUPPOSED to be in that airspace at that time. I didn't want to travel, hell I didnt want to leave my neighborhood. I really kept my children close to me, and felt grateful for everyday I had been given. I couldn't get images out of my mind of those people jumping off of those burning buildings, the buildings that were in the background of my entire childhood. No more would they greet me when I visited my hometown, now the only thing there is an empty area reminding evryone what once stood there and the lives that were lost .Lost for no reason. Nobody goes to work expecting it will be the last time they kiss their families goodbye, but on that day that is exactly what happened to thousands of people. For many years now, I take that into consideration.This could be my last day, not because of an accident. But because of an act of terrorism. there is a sense of trust that will never return to me, it was slowly ripped from my core as I sat watching those unfathomable, unspeakable acts that occured that day.
ten years later, I know most of us don't dwell on the events of 9/11 anymore. Really, for our own mental health we CAN'T .we have to go on, we have to travel, and live our lives . but we will never live our lives with the same sense of security again. We will never feel America is in a terrorism cocoon,immune to those acts that know no bounds. we know it happened once, it could happen again. We just have to stay alert, be vigilant in our nations security and praying doesn't hurt either.
so this sunday, the 10th anniversary of the worst day in the history of our country, I will be remembering. Remembering those people , the ones in the aircraft with no way out, the ones who rushed into buildings that would crumble upon them, the ones who willing took their plane down to save the lives of others and I will cry. Just like I did 10 years ago. Media bombardment or not, that day will never be erased from any of our minds...
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