Anyone ever look up at the sky and think about how fortunate we are to be here? By here, I mean on this earth and not dead. I never used to do that. I would just go about my day to day , mundane activities without ever looking up, or noticing what the sky looked like. it was just a backdrop to my life, as I am sure it is in most people's.
A few months after my mother's death I would go outside in the morning to get the paper, or start the car and I would stop. I would look up, and notice a sunrise, or certain shapes of clouds and wonder why I never looked before. Did my mother get the chance to look? Or had she, like myself, been so wrapped up in her own day to day that she never noticed. It sounds silly, especially in our busy hectic lives. I mean its a sky, its there everyday . I am not even sure why it is I started to look up, except for maybe I was trying to communicate with my mother in some way, and we as a society tend to believe the deceased are above us. I think that is how i started appreciating the sky and its enveloping beauty, i was trying to feel closer to where she was(or at least where I hoped she was).
It has been 6 and a half years since she passed away, and I try to regularly look at the sky and appreciate the beauty of it. sometimes it's gray and bleak, and funny thing is , that usually affects our moods.Other times it is bright blue, clear, and sunny thus creating a more lighter, hopeful mood. Whatever the color or look of the sky, I have learned to be grateful that it is there and I am able to appreciate it's presence. I regularly point it out to my 3 children, and tell themhow pretty it is.This way they will never have to wonder if their mother took the time to look up ...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Morning ritual
When reading the paper in the morning I always read the obituaries. This , to many, seems a morbid thing to do. Well, it is a hold over from my days working in home health care and treating the terminally ill. I would read the obits to make sure that my former patients weren't in them. Or, if it turned out they were in them, that at least they died peacefully ...
Well, I haven't worked in that field in a while but I still find myself looking over the obituaries and this morning I read one about a girl. she was 19 years old. I always stop and read about the people who pass away under the age of 60, but 19... that is something no one should ever have to read about. She did not die of cancer, or some dibilatating illness that somewhat prepared her loved ones for the inevitable on the horizon. Nope, a car accident took the life of this young, pretty girl, who was an aspiring photographer right here in Tampa. I realize there are stories like this everyday, car accidents that snatch the life right out from under people, unsuspecting people who are just trying to get to their destination, but never make it. I saw first hand during my nursing career how accidents can ruin lives, either through death of a loved one or causing life long ramifications if the person survives.
The parents and siblings of this young girl lived 3000 miles away in California, according to the article. I can only imagine the phone call they had to receive, and the pain of not being able to get here quickly , even if just to say goodbye.I'm sure, like every parent in the world, they worried constantly about their child .Especially being so far away, I know I would. As I read this particular obituary I found myself shaking my head and thinking of my own children. My oldest can get behind the wheel in 8 months...
So to some of you reading the obituaries sounds like a morbid, depressing thing to start your Sunday morning. To me, it brings me down to earth, to realize the fragility of life, it honors those who have died by reading a little bit about who they were and what their contributions to our society were. This morning it did a little more, it made the mother in me hurt for these parents who lost their daughter to a senseless accident, and it made me stop and pray for the safety of my children .Because to have to write an obituary for anyone in your family is painful but to start with "She was 19 "..is unbearable.
Well, I haven't worked in that field in a while but I still find myself looking over the obituaries and this morning I read one about a girl. she was 19 years old. I always stop and read about the people who pass away under the age of 60, but 19... that is something no one should ever have to read about. She did not die of cancer, or some dibilatating illness that somewhat prepared her loved ones for the inevitable on the horizon. Nope, a car accident took the life of this young, pretty girl, who was an aspiring photographer right here in Tampa. I realize there are stories like this everyday, car accidents that snatch the life right out from under people, unsuspecting people who are just trying to get to their destination, but never make it. I saw first hand during my nursing career how accidents can ruin lives, either through death of a loved one or causing life long ramifications if the person survives.
The parents and siblings of this young girl lived 3000 miles away in California, according to the article. I can only imagine the phone call they had to receive, and the pain of not being able to get here quickly , even if just to say goodbye.I'm sure, like every parent in the world, they worried constantly about their child .Especially being so far away, I know I would. As I read this particular obituary I found myself shaking my head and thinking of my own children. My oldest can get behind the wheel in 8 months...
So to some of you reading the obituaries sounds like a morbid, depressing thing to start your Sunday morning. To me, it brings me down to earth, to realize the fragility of life, it honors those who have died by reading a little bit about who they were and what their contributions to our society were. This morning it did a little more, it made the mother in me hurt for these parents who lost their daughter to a senseless accident, and it made me stop and pray for the safety of my children .Because to have to write an obituary for anyone in your family is painful but to start with "She was 19 "..is unbearable.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
gray is the new black
When I was younger, everything was either black or white. There was never any middle ground, or shade of gray. To me, gray was an area of indecision, and area in which there was no real answers.I always had to have real answers or the semblence of right and wrong, with no room for overlapping, or explaining why some decisions were made. You either did the right thing or you didn't, Black or White.It was simple.
Well, over the years of living as an adult, and most especially as a parent, I have come to realize that there is way more gray than there is black and white. For every decision you are making , there is a good and a bad consequence. Even if the bad is just a small thing, it is stil manifested by the decision you choose to make therefore it could fall into grayness. I never analyzed things as a younger person, I just did what I thought was right without regard for how others might fare as a result. Most times this way of thinking served me well. But there were times when my own selfishness hurt others, of this I am now certain.
So now I am watching my children make decisions. Sure I have guided them, and hopefully shaped the way they think and view the world. But I know that there are decisions being made that are not Mom approved, and I know that they fall a lot of the times into the gray area. I hope they learn quickly to think before they act, and realize that a lot of times there is more than one answer, or sometimes there is no right answer.In those times I hope they just weigh the collateral damage that could ensue and decide for the best.
We are not overtly religious people in my family, but I have tried to instill values and humanity into my children and know that there is a greater being than themselves and they need to respect that and live their lives accordingly. I feel there will be a period of years where I will be biting my tongue or constantly lecturing on decision making and how it effects not just themselves but those around them.I think this period in my life has begun, and I hope that I can deal with it by teaching about the gray, and how, with a little thought, we come to realize that is the color of most things out there.
Well, over the years of living as an adult, and most especially as a parent, I have come to realize that there is way more gray than there is black and white. For every decision you are making , there is a good and a bad consequence. Even if the bad is just a small thing, it is stil manifested by the decision you choose to make therefore it could fall into grayness. I never analyzed things as a younger person, I just did what I thought was right without regard for how others might fare as a result. Most times this way of thinking served me well. But there were times when my own selfishness hurt others, of this I am now certain.
So now I am watching my children make decisions. Sure I have guided them, and hopefully shaped the way they think and view the world. But I know that there are decisions being made that are not Mom approved, and I know that they fall a lot of the times into the gray area. I hope they learn quickly to think before they act, and realize that a lot of times there is more than one answer, or sometimes there is no right answer.In those times I hope they just weigh the collateral damage that could ensue and decide for the best.
We are not overtly religious people in my family, but I have tried to instill values and humanity into my children and know that there is a greater being than themselves and they need to respect that and live their lives accordingly. I feel there will be a period of years where I will be biting my tongue or constantly lecturing on decision making and how it effects not just themselves but those around them.I think this period in my life has begun, and I hope that I can deal with it by teaching about the gray, and how, with a little thought, we come to realize that is the color of most things out there.
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