Mother's Day

   Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have three beautiful children, who will ,without a doubt, shower me with homemade cards, flowers and a very sweet present that their father purchased for them. This is supposed to be a wonderful, celebratory day that makes you sooo happy to be a mother on the other 364 days a year that the cards, flowers and praise do NOT come. What's funny about Mother's Day for me is , the one I remember the most has nothing at all to do with my children, or my mothering. It is the Mother's Day 6 years ago when (unbeknownst to us) my mother had only 11 days left on this Earth. She was dying, slowly, horribly of cancer and we thought we would stop by in the morning and bring her brunch. we got bagels, cream cheese, her favorite pastries and came in with a big balloon and flowers. She was there, smiling wanly, pretending to be excited over the food that she could no longer taste or keep down. She would not sit the whole time we were there, she just kept walking around the yard aimlessly. Come to find out later, she hadn't taken her pain medication so she could be "with us" and not drugged up, but the pain was sooo bad she couldn't sit still for any length of time. the kids were their usual rambunctious selves at 8,4 and 2 years old at the time, so they were probably driving her mad with their yelling, and overall "kidness", but she didn't let on . she just kept smiling, walking and pretending to eat her bagel. But I knew. I knew it was a show, and she secretly couldn't wait for us to go so she could remove her itchy wig, throw out her plate of food(untouched but moved around strategically) and take her Morphine. And because I knew this, it broke my heart. This was it. The last Mother's Day with my Mom, their Grandma and it was probably one of the most difficult days in my mother's life. The flowers would probably outlive her , and she would be gone before the balloon deflated. that was what we were both thinking as we walked around the yard together, holding hands. mine the strong beautifully manicured one now, hers the frail, shaky one. No words were spoken but we knew... No more Mother's Days together.
            The next day she went unconscious. My husband and kids were shocked by this. "but we just saw her yesterday, she was fine"they said. And I smiled because that is exactly what she would have wanted them to take away from her last Mother's Day. that she was fine. Because that's what mothers do. We protect our babies, even at the end.